Are Your Relationship Goals Realistic?

Are your relationship goals realistic? Recently, I was watching a relationship discussion on YouTube and couldn’t help but feel that many of the women’s relationship expectations were unrealistic. It seemed like they were looking for the right answers to ask, while dating, without having to become vulnerable or take a chance to get to know the other person. Now, I wholeheartedly believe in asking questions, looking for red flags and not wasting time. However, it seemed like, if the guy didn’t answer the questions just right, he was outta there (See Kris and Nya, Ready To Love, Season Three – The Friends Episode). To be fair, I believe media, church and now social media have caused women, especially Black women, to create unrealistic relationship goals. Now, when I say unrealistic, I’m not talking about settling or struggle love. I’m talking about creating this “ideal” partner that doesn’t exist. What do I mean? Keep reading.

Physically

For some reason, a man, six foot and over, with a six-pack, has become many women’s default physical preference. My question is, why? 5’9” is the average height for men in the United States. Globally, that average varies. That means men six foot and over are the exception, not the norm. So, if you just have to have a man that height, you might be waiting a long time. If you’re a tall woman, I completely understand wanting a man your height or taller, but the average woman in the United States is 5’3”. There are plenty of attractive men out there, under six feet tall. Don’t miss out on a good man because your expectations are unrealistic.

Financially

A man making six figures is another one of those popular relationship goals. Understandably, we all want financially security. However, men making $100k or more, in the United States, are in the 80^th percentile. Translation: most men in the United States aren’t making six figures Sis. No one’s telling you to settle for a hobosexual, but don’t box yourself in with unrealistic expectations either. Furthermore, a man’s earning potential has nothing to do with his character. Six figures can buy a lot of things, but character and integrity aren’t on the list. While finances are important, they’re not the be all, end all.

Perfection

Perfection is another unrealistic relationship goal many of us hold. A lot of us want a partner that puts up with our imperfections, but we’re not willing to do the same. We expect him to be 100% problem free. Unfortunately, that’s a fairytale. No one is perfect. In a recent video, relationship expert, Stephanie Lee said something so profound. She said, “Your spouse is there to help you grow.” While each person needs to come to the relationship as his/her best self, there are levels that neither party will be able to reach without the other’s help. So, if you’re looking for a partner that’s perfect and doesn’t need any of your help, your relationship goals are unrealistic.

Side note: Stephanie Lee’s video had a lot of good relationship nuggets, so I’ve linked it below.

Reciprocity (Give and Take)

Any good relationship is built on reciprocity. Unfortunately, a lot of us look at what we can get, without thinking of what we can give the other person. Don’t worry, that was me up until recently. I was heavily focused on what I wanted in my partner, but didn’t spend nearly as much time focused on what I had to offer. Ideally, you should be pouring into your partner and your partner should be pouring into you. That way, neither party is empty.

Parent or Partner?

Be honest. Are you looking for a parent or a partner? When we were kids, for many of us, our parents fed us, clothed us, paid the bills, etc. Aside from the occasional chore as we grew up, they did all the heavy lifting. Unfortunately, a lot of us want to carry that same dynamic into an adult relationships. Instead of wanting to come together with our partner to help build, many of us want to come into something already built and enjoy the perks and fruits of someone else’s labor. That story line might play out well in fairytales, but ask any man if this is the type of relationship he’s looking for and I can almost guarantee you most of them are going to say no. Unbalanced relationships aren’t healthy. No one really wants a one-sided relationship.

Lifestyle

There’s nothing wrong with wanting nice things. There’s nothing wrong with wanting a nice house, clothes, vacations or to eat at nice restaurants. The question is, do your finances meet your lifestyle aspirations? If they don’t, is it fair to put those lifestyle expectations on someone else? People on social media are good for creating enviable lifestyles. Oftentimes we fall into the trap of wanting what others have, without knowing how they got it or what they’re putting up with in order to keep it. Expecting your partner to provide you with a luxury lifestyle is an unrealistic relationship goal.

Final Thoughts

Sis, no one is telling you to settle because no one deserves struggle love. No one is telling you to ignore your worth and accept anyone who comes along. What I am saying, however, is not to pass up perfectly good partners looking for a unicorn. Also, while physical attraction and finances are important, character and integrity are more important. Finally, don’t fall for the fairytale trap, expecting perfect Prince Charming to sweep you off your feet and carry you off to this luxurious lifestyle. That’s a fantasy. You’re entering into a partnership with another imperfect person who also has wants and needs. Consider what you have to give as much as what you can get.

So what are your thoughts? Drop a comment below.