As women, society has conditioned us, from the time we were little, to want a relationship. Just about all the messaging we’ve received from childhood until now has been about finding bae (think every Disney movie up until Mulan). Sure, there’s nothing wrong with wanting a bae or searching for bae, but ask yourself if you’re emotionally healthy enough to attract the right bae. We’ve been bombarded with songs and movies and magazine articles on how to catch “the one,” but no one has ever really told us how to make sure we’re even prepared to be in a relationship. Here are a few things to ask yourself to determine whether or not you’re healthy enough to be in a relationship:
Are You Whole?
Many of us have suffered from brokenness stemming from our childhoods that has shaped how we behave in relationships. The kicker is that many of us don’t even realize we’ve been broken. I sure didn’t. Since I was fifteen until a few years ago, I noticed I kept dating a different version of the same dude, with the same results – heartbreak. After the last “situationship,” I had to get brutally honest about one fact – I was the common denominator in all of these relationships. Ouch! What was it about me that kept attracting the wrong partner? I put a pause on dating in order to really get down to the root of the matter, which was unresolved self-esteem issues stemming from my childhood. I had to take a break in order to heal that before moving forward. One of my friends recommended the book “Hiding From Love” to me, and it was a game changer.
How Well Do You Know Yourself?
How well do you really know yourself? Many of us don’t spend enough time with ourselves to truly get to know who we are. What are your goals in life? Where do you see yourself five years from now? What’s your plan to get there? If you don’t really have an answer to these questions, how will you know if the person you plan on dating is truly right for you? Will that person help support your dreams? Will that person push you to be the best version of yourself? You’ll never know until you get to really know yourself.
Do You Lose Yourself In Relationships?
If you don’t really know yourself, there’s a good chance you lose yourself in relationships. What are signs that you might be losing yourself in your relationship?
- Do you change your personality for the sake of the relationship?
- Do you go ghost on family and friends when you get into a relationship?
- Do you find yourself giving up good things/things you enjoy, for the sake of the relationship (ex. Going to the gym)?
- Do you find you lack identity apart from the relationship?
If any of these examples sound familiar, there’s a good chance you lose yourself in your relationships and that’s not a good thing. It’s not healthy to you or your partner for you to become so engrossed in the relationship that you lack an identity outside of it. That’s more pressure than any relationship can handle.
Do You Go with the Flow?
In order for a relationship to be healthy, there has to be balance – give and take. It’s not healthy to just “go with the flow” for the sake of avoiding conflict. You rob your partner of the opportunity to grown and you either become resentful or a doormat. Either way, you’re teaching your partner not to care about your opinions or feelings and that’s not good.
Do You Fail to Establish Boundaries?
Boundaries are necessary in any healthy relationship, romantic or otherwise. Some examples of boundaries are expressing your feelings in a healthy way, confronting bad behavior from the other party, and not allowing yourself to be manipulated or mistreated for the other person’s sake. If you find that you lack boundaries, whether it’s yourself or the other person, you may not be healthy enough to be in a relationship.
Are You a Good Communicator?
Good communication is an important key to any healthy relationship. It’s how you let your partner know how you feel, what you need and vice versa. And when I say communication, I’m not talking about texting, I mean talking. One of the down sides of technology is that we seem to have forgotten how to just talk to each other and really connect. If you struggle with communicating and expressing your feelings, in a healthy way, you may have some work to do.
Next Steps
- Take a Pause
If you find you’re really not healthy enough to be dating and you’re not actively in a relationship, now may be a good time to pause. The purpose of the pause isn’t just for you to take a break, it’s also for you to have the time and space to gain clarity on what you need to work on.
- Work On Yourself
If you see there are things you need to work on to get healthy, now is the time to get to work. Whether it’s getting to know yourself better or working on boundaries, you can’t go wrong working on becoming the best, healthiest version of yourself.
- Therapy
Some things that you’re dealing with may require the help and supervision of a trained professional. This is especially important to consider if you’ve experienced some type of trauma in your life. Some traumas require the help of a trained professional in order to identify and heal them.
What are some others things to look at to determine if you’re healthy enough to be in a relationship?