Self-respect and setting boundaries go hand in hand. If you have any respect for yourself you have to set boundaries. Why? Simply put – if you don’t set boundaries, people will always be willing to cross the line and try you. Unfortunately, most people will try whatever they think they can get away with. If they think they can get away with mistreating you without facing any consequences, they’ll do it. That’s why it’s up to you, as your greatest advocate, to set boundaries and enforce them.
You Owe it to Yourself to Set Boundaries
Setting boundaries is a form of self-respect. When you respect yourself you don’t allow other people to talk to or treat you any ol’ kind-a of way. People will want you to bend over backwards to accommodate them, even if that means depleting yourself. Does that sound like self-respect to you? Of course not. You have to act as your biggest advocate and defender. If you don’t, who will? You can’t expect people to respect what you don’t set.
Communicate Your Boundaries
This might seem obvious, but I have to say it anyway – you have to communicate your boundaries. Now, some boundaries are pretty straightforward and should be assumed (example: don’t put your hands on me, ever). Aside from the obvious boundaries, you can’t expect other people to know what your boundaries are unless you communicate them. We can’t expect people to be mind readers. Clearly communicate your boundaries so that there’s no room for assumptions or misunderstandings. Once you’ve communicated your boundaries, those dealing with you in the future know the price of admission into your life and your space.
Be Prepared to Protect Your Boundaries
Now, just because you’ve set and communicated your boundaries doesn’t mean that other people are automatically inclined to respect them. For that reason, you have to be prepared to protect the boundaries you’ve set. Once you’ve communicated those boundaries and people choose to ignore them, you have to be prepared to push back. What’s the point of setting a boundary and not be willing to protect it? Protecting your boundaries may look like calling people out when they’ve crossed the line or putting distance between you and an offender. However you choose to protect your boundaries is up to you, but just be prepared to do it.
Don’t be Afraid to be the Bad Girl
As you can imagine, when you push back to protect your boundaries, some people are going to view you as the bad girl, the bad cop, or Mrs. “It’s Not That Serious”. But guess what? Who cares? I’m not telling you to be rude and nasty in protecting your boundaries, but I am telling you don’t be afraid to apply pressure and be viewed by others as the bad girl, if necessary. Anyone who would see you as a villain for protecting your boundaries doesn’t need access to you anyway. You have every right to determine how you want to be treated and to be vocal about it when you’re being mistreated. Anyone who wants to try to vilify you for that should be escorted out of your life quickly.
Never Accept Less Respect From Anyone Else Than You Give Yourself
Finally, never accept less respect from anyone else than you give yourself. Why? Because you don’t have to, nor should you. You have every right to demand a certain level of respect from anyone who wants to be in relationship with you, whether it’s a working relationship, friendship or even a family relationship. Respect is the price of admission to enter your life. Those who don’t want to pay the fee are best left to their own devices. You don’t have any obligation to tolerate mistreatment or disrespect from anyone, no matter who he or she is. Quite frankly, if you have a healthy level of self-respect, disrespect feels quite intolerable. Why tolerate from someone else what you wouldn’t tolerate from yourself?
A Case Study in Self-Respect and Setting Boundaries
The other day my niece told me about a Black woman therapist who had made the decision to stop taking male clients. She had made the decision after she kept repeatedly receiving e-mails from male non-clients, asking what she could do for them. They were not only demanding her free labor, but also demanding that she prove to them that she was a good therapist by answering their questions via e-mail. Did I mention they weren’t looking to pay for a consultation?
Now, because this woman respected herself, her craft, her expertise and the work she put in to gaining them, she refused to fall for the ol’ okie doke. Instead, she made the decision to set a boundary by not accepting any more male clients. She knew she had nothing to prove to anyone and realized her life would be less stressful by setting this boundary. Sure, people will feel some sort of way that she has decided to prioritize her peace by not servicing a specific group of the population, but she was willing to set this boundary anyway, despite risking others seeing her as the bad girl. This is what self-respect and setting boundaries looks like in action.
What are your thoughts? Do you see setting boundaries as a form of self-respect? Do you have trouble enforcing the boundaries you’ve set? Drop a comment below.
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